Saturday, July 19, 2008

Dear Fat Doctor

Fat Doctor
wrote a post a while back where she worries that her darling toddler son will some day be embarrassed by her weight problem. I meant to comment, I meant to write her, instead I'll put up a blog letter.

First a disclaimer: all kids are different, they come in assorted shapes, sizes, and temperments and I've learned quickly and painfully that a wonderful kid can become a particularly difficult kid-- this with a six week countdown in my family until such kid moves half way across the country to start college. Last year, I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown when he left, this year, he's making it a bit easier to say goodbye, though I'm well aware that I still may have a very difficult time with this departure. There are more difficult kids, there are easier kids. So with two teenagers, and with many friends (and patients) with teenagers, let me write a letter to our dear friend Fat Doctor in the blogosphere.

Dear Fat Doctor,

Please don't worry that your son will be embarrassed by your weight. He won't be. And because he's a boy, he probably won't care what you wear. Kids don't worry so much about what their mothers look like, oh, except for girls, who are known to yell: You Can't Go Out Looking Like That! Especially not where their friends might on the same planet.

While you don't need to worry about your son being embarrassed by your weight, there are a few things he will be embarrassed about.

  • Your mere existence.
  • Every word you say.
  • Especially words that date you. Gosh darn is probably not real cool.
  • References to TV shows, movies, politics, or events from the days of old.
  • The music you listen to.
  • The songs you hum. Oh, gosh, don't hum.
  • The gestures you make.
  • The things you say about him, no matter how glowing. Don't talk about him. Ever.
  • The fact that you greet his friends. Do you really need to ask how they are and interrogate them about what they are doing and what they'd like to drink?
  • The fact that you are not invisible.
  • Your ideas. Especially if you express them.
  • Oh, and your core beliefs, what ever they are, they are embarrassing.
  • Your expectations of him.

This is only a partial list, but Son won't care about your weight. I hope this helps you sleep better.

With kind thoughts. By all means, continue to enjoy the next 10 wonderful years.