After years of work in correctional healthcare I've decided that there are a certain number of universal truths. I've confirmed these by talking to numerous colleagues over the years who work in a variety of pretrial and sentenced-side facilities in many jurisdictions. Here they are:
1. There is a direct correlation between the amount of time it takes to get through a locked gate and your need to reach the bathroom on the other side of the gate.
2. When you reach the bathroom there will be no toilet paper.
3. Physicians will not be allowed to park in the spot assigned to the warden's secretary.
4. The parole paperwork will be lost for the inmate you most want to get out of your facility.
5. If one inmate doesn't get transported to your clinic it will be the inmate who just got out of the forensic hospital.
6. If an inmate is going to decompensate it will happen at shift change on Friday afternoon.
7. Physicians will not be allowed to park in the spot assigned to the maintenance supervisor.
8. The solution to every problem will be a new state-mandated form, in triplicate.
9. If there is one working elevator it will be the one that is forbidden for civillian use.
10. If there is only one nurse on duty it will be the one who does not speak English.
11. Physicians will not be allowed to park in any spot assigned to the transportation unit.
12. The adage called Hanlon's Razor will remain true:
"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."